Days like today make me wonder…

… if I will ever fully be able to grow into the woman God has designed for me to be. I feel like a little child, very lost and uncertain. I suppose this feeling is true, especially in terms of my faith and this feeling is undoubtedly uncomfortable. I’m physically an adult, yet a child in faith years, and emotionally some frightening age that I suddenly stopped at before I learned I could “not feel” and get away with it…

I’m still not much a fan of FEELING anything, good or bad. It is hard for me to embrace these feelings or emotions or waves of things I can’t put into words or describe or dissolve into. To me, strong feelings still make me want to run away. Good things are a little easier to tolerate, but these painful things that I’m feeling right now — they are growing pains and they hurt like bloody hell! I could literally cry for hours and hours and hours and hours and I don’t think all the pain would ever go away completely. I’m beginning to believe the only things that will make this rotting pain go away will be a combination of tears, trust, and God. I can’t make the pain go away on my own and keeping it all in isn’t going to help me either. I’m going to have to learn to cry and feel and express, no matter where I am at or what I’m doing or who I am with – I’ll just have to learn how to do it. Bathrooms are wonderful places for crying.

Something happened last night: I had a very strong and specific urge to cut. I was in bed at the motel and the words, not a picture or general idea to harm, came to mind. The thoughts were unwanted and startled me. They didn’t last long, but they frightened me. I rarely get those feelings or thoughts when I’m not at home, muchless in a safe place… which is where I was last night and will be tonight too. I eventually found solace in tears and cried myself to sleep. I could have woken up Kristy and talked to her about it then, but I still have yet to mention it to her now (going on 24 hours later). The thoughts went away, safely went away, and I found comfort in my dry tears.

Thoughts to harm myself spook me sometimes and I’m beginning to see these “spooked out thoughts” as progress. Before, I would welcome them and act upon them – now I view them as unwanted and invasive. Maybe I should make a sign in my head that says KEEP OUT. Not all thoughts bother me and I wish more would — yes, I wish the more dangerous thoughts would bother me as much as the smaller thoughts to cut. I suppose this is another example of progress, not perfection.

I know God has designed me not to be this angry and hurting person. I know in my heart and mind that anger is not of or from God. I need God to show me how to get the pain out of my heart. I need Him to show me exactly how to express it and how to handle it. I can’t do it on my own. I need Him to tell me it is okay to cry – I need God’s permission to cry, yes I need God’s permission to cry.

Today, I’m hurting. My chest hurts and I don’t believe it is physical. I do believe TODAY it is not from physical origin – it feels deeper – which means it will take more than the physical to make it go away. My chest is heavy, it was heavy last night and it almost feels like my heart has sunk down and into my chest. The pain isn’t merely heartburn, it is heartache and the pain making my head start to spin.

Dear God,
Please let me cry. Please just let me cry and please reassure me it is okay to cry. My chest is very full, almost too full, and I believe it is the power of Satan at work trying to make me feel ill. Satan is trying to make me feel mentally ill by trying to convince me that it is okay to not cry and not feel and not talk and not express. God, please allow me to feel. Take away any underlying physical distress and let me cry… please let me cry tonight… just let me cry – please, just let me cry… Please give me the courage to feel and not hold back and not let the walls surround me tonight, like they did last night, and please let me cry… and talk, talk if that is what Your will is for my life to help me get through this pain. God, I don’t want to be in pain anymore and please take it from me and or let me work through it. God, I’m dying here – the pain is so much and I don’t have all the right words and my body won’t even cry, but the pain still remains. Please, just let my body do what You have designed it to do and help me feel Your comfort tonight.
This I pray because I believe,
Cassandra

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I hate Mother’s Day :(

I’m angry today – genuinely angry. I’m angry because I don’t have a real mom and because I’m not a real daughter, to anyone. I’m a fake and I was born this way, I was born to be deprived of belonging.

I don’t know how to connect on a secure level with ANY SINGLE PERSON. I want to connect and when I do, it doesn’t seem always seem real. Today I needed to connect with a motherly-figure and the pain was too forward to work through, so the connection didn’t get established. I needed/ still need a mom figure today to sit with me and remind me it is going to be okay, that is okay to grieve and feel for my mom.

Church was terrible. It was worse than I could have imagined. I could not stop crying and I could not attach or connect or feel. I tried to pretend I was okay and today I was the outsider, the outsider without a family. I have never felt so out of place as I did today because today, yes today, I had the realization that I’ll never have a real mom or anyone who can love me like a mom loves a daughter. Somehow I was brought into this world without a purpose. I was an accident, a miscalculation, merely bad timing.

Moms are supposed to love their children unconditionally.
Moms aren’t supposed to give up on their children.

I miss what I don’t have. The void I have inside got bigger today too. Kristy is a wonderful and loving woman, but she can’t be my mom. Kristy is a close friend, a mentor, and a “motherly figure” — but she isn’t my mom. Today after church I gave Kristy a hug and told her I missed my mom, she said she missed hers too. Her mom is gone and I can’t imagine how hard it would be to lose part of me. I only know what it is like to not have the parts of me. I don’t have a mom or a dad. Kristy is very special and dear to me, but she can’t and won’t ever be able to fill the hole left inside of me where my mom just never was. I love Kristy so much, but she will never be able to be my “mom” until I can grieve first and then redefine what a mom is to me.

I felt wrong for sitting with Kristy and her family this morning – I have never felt wrong for sitting with them before today. I’ve felt uncomfortable before, but never outright wrong. The tears would not stop flowing and this morning, I really needed a hug without having to ask for one… but today, today I had to ask for hugs – today my pain has been so intense I must be sending signals of keep away. I nearly walked out of church my heart was breaking so badly. My heart remains in pieces now as I type and *appears* lifeless in my bare hands. My heart belongs to God, but He is showing me and letting me touch it while He’s holding it today.

My heart hurts because I miss my mom. I miss my mom and today, today I need someone to reassure me it is okay to miss her. I want someone to hold me and let me cry and promise me it is okay to miss her because I deserve to miss her or the absence of her in my life. Today, today I need to talk. I need to talk it out and cry it out. I’m not okay and today, I need a “motherly-figure” to stand in and just be there to catch me and my tears. I don’t want advice, I want comfort. I haven’t been able to sleep much lately because this has been bothering me so much. Today is Mother’s Day and I miss my mom a lot… and it hurts.

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I’m going frickin’ nuts (rant)

I’m having difficulty looking for a job when the only roof over my head that I can visualize is the sky, as of May 11th! I know that a job and a place to live go together, but I’m really so far down in my head and heart that I cannot function any longer today. I’m crying, I’m blowing the Jolly Green Giant out of my nose, and I’m exhausted…

Almonds, walnuts, cashews, peanuts, pistachios, and sunflower seeds! I’m going nuts!!

I’m getting this overwhelming urge to purge. I don’t want to cut, I want to purge my body of what makes me so terrible and rotten and incapable… I’m feeling angry and I don’t like being angry – but I’m scared because I literally have no place to go. I want to physically purge and vomit.

My grandmother called again and she is sending my birth certificate. I need this for SSDI. She’s also enclosing a lock for the outside of the storage unit.

I’m mentally in about a thousand pieces. I can’t seem to get a grip because I’m so afraid of not having a place to live. I don’t know what is God is trying to teach me through this, but it hurts…

My Father’s House MIGHT be an option, saying I pass the 4-part interview process, but I can’t START any of that until next week — which is going to be too late — because I’m losing my apartment on Monday. They have a waiting list for their residency program too, so even if I were accepted… I would have no place to stay while doing the 12 weeks of course work.

I called the court told me that they will tell me at the hearing exactly how long I have to vacate my apartment. It will be anywhere from 24hrs to 5 days. I won’t know until the hearing, which is Monday.

I don’t want to go back to Dallas, yet I have to realistically consider it to be an option. My family doesn’t want me and I know I won’t make it if I go back, but I can’t live on the streets either. There are no resources for me there and the secrets still grow there – which is not healthy and it in no shape or form represents the way I live my life through Christ! I live transparently, not in the shadows, and I won’t stay quiet and protect my family anymore if that is where God places me. I cannot in my wildest imagination see myself going back to live with my grandparents – it is beyond me.

The Salvation Army has a shelter for 3 days only, then I must apply for an extension.

I’m on the verge of being homeless and I’m so discouraged I can’t think straight. My own family doesn’t want me and I can’t go back to them, but I can’t stay here. I will not go back to Dallas, at least not alive – I will kill myself before I have to go back there.

I’m so upset this afternoon… I’m crying and I’m ready to give up. I don’t have anything left in me today. I’m empty. I’m on the verge of collapse. I can’t do this… I really can’t…

I want to give up – I don’t want to do this anymore and I’m tired of putting other people through it too. I’m just about to give up because I can’t do it any longer…

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– my insides this morning –

I called my grandmother last night. I don’t trust her. I feel forgiveness toward her, but I don’t trust her. She says she wants to help, but her motives are very uncertain. God makes it clear that we are not to judge others, but I still want to push my grandmother away – especially now – because I don’t want her to hurt me again. My grandmother has offered to put my belongings in storage for 3 months so I can get on my feet. I don’t trust she will follow through with this, like she has failed to follow through with most of her other promises, I’ll be surprised. I am not going to count on her or expect anything from her.

To be honest, I feel it would be in my best interest to not receive ANY HELP from her whatsoever as I make this transition. I don’t feel safe around her and I don’t trust her. I’ve forgiven her and I do believe God can work miracles in her life, as He has clearly worked in mine, but I’m not ready to let her be in my life. I’m too fragile and too broken to stand up for myself, set and maintain clear boundaries, and I don’t want to give her any wiggle room to come back into my life so that she can manipulate and hurt and distort the positive efforts I’m making in my life by trying to live my life fully for God. I clearly don’t trust her and I’m torn up inside as to let her “help”.

Kristy brought something up to me yesterday evening that the more I think through, the more I agree with — it has to do with triggers. I think I know why I’m getting so upset with some of the things I’m finding: What I’m finding reminds me of who I once was and the emotions I have attached to the person I once was are very intense and right now, they are very negative emotions. I HATE who I once was and I’m scared of who I’m becoming. I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful, but what I’ve seen come through me these last 2-3 months has been nothing less than spectacular wonder. I’m not grasping “positive concepts” all that well quite yet, but I’m finding myself more and more comfortable embracing my new life through Christ.

The blood stained clothing makes my heart sink. The pills, give me the urge to run away and hide and cry and bury myself under a boulder. The suicide notes, the handwritten suicide notes, leave me speechless. I’m not far removed from them on the calendar and I’m still stuck on dates to some degree, so they bother me and make my soul itch. I haven’t yet fully grasped how each day is new and a blessing from God because I’m still holding onto some of the fragile strings of the person I once was when suicide was a daily thought, just like brushing my teeth and taking a shower. Now, suicide is an unwanted thought and I have to push it and shove it and kick it out of my mind — but when I’m cleaning, I find reminders on accident and I’m not strong enough to handle all of these reminders on my own. I’m just not there yet, I’m not.

Last night I felt luke warm, almost sick. I believe I’ve forgiven my family, but the pain still surrounds me. The memories are there, floating around me and the more I pack and clean – the more I’m reminded, so the more I’m having to face… and right now, I’m having and probably needing to face alone. I keep on thinking the walls of my apartment are keeping me safe. I know they aren’t and in a matter of days, THAT WALL will crumble too.

I feel like I’m falling apart on the inside. My skin, scarred as it may be, is temporarily holding me together. The ache, the throbbing and sometimes dull roaring ache, cannot be reached by tears or hugs or songs. I keep on thinking if someone would just hold me until the pain subsides that I’ll be okay – then I realize I’m not ready to be held or comforted by God’s hands, reaching down through human hands. I’m not ready to be held and comforted by worldly expression quite yet. I trust God will make it known to me and to those around me when the hugs will heal, rather than hinder, and when communication doesn’t have to rely on words.

Now that I have forgiven my mom, my heart has space inside of it. I know there are steps to be taken as I grow into God’s feet and God hasn’t given me the map to follow quite yet as to where I’ll be going with Him. I find myself wanting to put up a “Caution” sign on my heart because my heart is still bleeding, despite the sword being taken out. Now, I must start to grieve for my mother… now, I can grieve for her because I’ve let her go. I feel more uncertain this morning than I did yesterday morning because now the space is there and the space hurts more than the sword did, cutting through my life. I’m uncertain as to where my relationships stand with my “motherly figures” because now I’m bleeding everywhere, trying to heal — can they or will they still be there? I don’t know where to go from here or where God wants me to go from here to find a mom. I’ve had trouble fully embracing Kristy and Sandy up to this point but now that I’ve forgiven my mother, something feels different. I feel more open and vunerable, almost like a little child, and this child has just lost her mother. She wants a new one so desperately and is questioning God as to why He had to do what He did… She is sad and scared and not sure how to let someone love her. She wants to run away, but knows she won’t make it even as far as across the room without collapsing into tears on the floor. I feel like this child because I am this child, I am this 26 year old child.

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I don’t have bootstraps

I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t want to be around anyone today. I’ve tried talking on the phone, but it didn’t work out. I can’t bring myself to even text. I want to turn my phone off, yet I still hope someone will call — even though I won’t pick up. Nevermind, I’ll turn off my phone, maybe. No one will call anyway, so it won’t even matter.

I don’t want to think about I’ll be homeless in 10 days. I don’t want to talk about it.

I can’t pretend to be okay and that I’m happy, so going to church tomorrow isn’t going to be easy. I don’t even know if I’m going because Sandy won’t call me back, what else is new… she rarely ever calls me back about anything anymore… I’m sick, can barely talk, and my face is swollen because of huge sores inside of my cheeks. I look like I’ve been purging. I just wish I knew if I were going to church, but that isn’t possible. I’ll plan on staying home, therefore I won’t be disappointed. I don’t want to go tomorrow, it is “food Sunday”, and I’m so low that I can barely stand up on my own. I don’t want to go because I can’t smile.

I won’t have my afghan done on time. I’m struggling to work through the pain and keep on crochetting, but I can’t. It might be good enough for competition, even Dallas maybe, but that was never my intention behind the stitch combination. The combination of colors and the stitch pattern has more meaning than some ribbon. I’ve tried to make it in love – I’ve made it in love – then love takes over and my hands stop working together… and I cry… and when I work through the tears, I feel wrong… so I pick it back up and work more, until the emotions take over again. I’ve made afghans before, but never have I struggled so much. The struggle isn’t physical, it is deeper. My hands never tire working the stitches, rather my heart breaks. This might be my last afghan.

I deserve what I’ve been given, in fact – I deserve worse. I deserve to be alone and I deserve to have a family who doesn’t want me. I deserve my scars. I deserve to lose my apartment and my job and my integrity. I don’t want pity or sympathy… I just want and need to be left alone. I want to go back to being invisible and just disolve — tears will wash away my resude…

I don’t want to be touched or called or spoken to or hugged or helped or anything. I just want to be left alone. I don’t deserve anything, which is why I’m being given THIS pain. Forget what I need, just maybe this once I’ll get what I want… and then it will all be over.

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Pictures from yesterday…

My hands are on a stable foundation, but I don't know what to do with what I have been given. I'm afraid to let go, despite the fact that I'm overflowing.

I feel like that element that can't bond or doesn't seem to bond very easily. I didn't choose to be this way, it is just the way that I am. I want to change this quality about myself, but I don't know how...

This statue at Tech makes me cry everytime I walk by it... it also makes me very uncomfortable.

Not all detours take us in the right direction. Sometimes we have to make our own detours...

I keep reflecting in my mind what working with children was like and I don't understand why I can't be on the flip side of this reflection... I don't understand why I can't be in the real thing...

I keep on telling God to stop, but He isn't acknowledging my request...

Detours aren't always fun sometimes, but they never the end of the world!

I don't wear this sign around my neck nearly as much as I used to.. and I'm glad.

This is the only language I seem to be able to understand sometimes. I love music and I understand music and music understands me.

Everything is a matter of perspective...

I feel like a shadow of my existance. Everyone is walking all over me because I don't understand my true abilities.

I value my privacy in this overly public world...

I don't have words...

I feel like I'm full of broken windows and that EVERYONE can see it now. I'm that beautiful building downtown, being restored... but the building that no one can seem to forget was once full of broken windows too.

Communication is a 2 way street, but I don't understand how to communicate straight up and down - I tend to communicate at an angle.

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What do I keep on doing wrong?

I can’t sleep because I can’t stop crying. My head is pounding. My teeth are throbbing and it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

I can’t concentrate enough to read or study, which I desperately need to do before tomorrow — in fact, I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow because it will hurt too much. I will have no choice but to quit my job if I lose my mentor. I know that one of the reasons Cheri hired me was because she knew I had outside support. Today, I this uneasy feeling that I’ve lost THAT support too… I quit my job and tried to follow God and now I might have no choice but to quit my new job, because I can’t do this job without help. I don’t want to leave my new job and I want so desperately to stay in the field of education, but I’m not strong enough to do it without physical outside help. I haven’t made enough progress on my own to even know where to start getting help if I lose my mentor in Kristy.

I can’t handle another major loss right now. I don’t have the strength to stand and I know after this, my faith and hope will be less than it was before I started. I cannot take another harsh blow after giving everything I’ve had for the last 8 weeks! I feel like I’ve given everything to God and now He’s dropping me on my head. I can’t take another loss, not after everything else I’ve had to give up.

I’m scared to death right now. I’m supposed to be moving in 5 weeks and I just started a new job, a job that is over my head and out of my league. I don’t know where I’m going to go and if I lose my mentor, I will have lost my job too. This is overwhelming.

I don’t know what I’ve done exactly or why I can’t seem to make connections that matter with anyone. I’m trying so hard to make things right with God and with others, but my efforts aren’t enough. I just want to cut or take pills or do something so I won’t have to ever wake up again. I can’t take another loss. I feel so guilty because I put everything I had out there this time. Now I’m being left because I’m not worthy afterall… I can’t do this anymore and I won’t keep on doing this anymore – all this trusting and then and then and then having my heart broken. I really put out all I had and I feel naked, but now someone is beating me and won’t stop.

It isn’t fair. I feel ashamed for connecting or even thinking I could connect with anyone on a level more than just the superficial and have it last again. Every person I have been close with since I moved to Lubbock has been torn apart. I really thought this one would be different because God was the backbone of it, but now I’m not so sure… I just know I must be the one to blame because everyone I was close with, all had families – because most people do have a family – and because I don’t have one that wants me, I’m just not capable of belonging.

I just can’t do this anymore. The problem is me. I’m not worthy and I’m not deserving. I can’t earn love by deeds and I can’t earn love by honesty and I can’t earn love by just being me. I beginning to question if God is really for everyone because no kind and loving God would ever allow their child to be hurt so much…

I can’t do this anymore. My body feels like it is going to break in half. I reeally can’t do this because I feel like God has left me too — what I have done that is so terrible?

I can’t take this pain and uncertainty. I don’t want to wake up and be so alone.

God, where are you? I given You everything I have and now all You seem to do is laugh in my face! Why, why, why are You taking away what You have just given me? Whhhyy!!! I don’t understand how this will make me stronger – I’m too weak already. God, just take me home… don’t do this to me anymore… just let me take my life today and give it to You and let me never wake up on this Earth again. I can’t do this…
This I pray because I believe You will take me home today – Cassandra

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My thousandth post of the week…

I’ve written a lot more this week than I have in a long time, which I’m choosing to view as a GOOD THING! I’ve consciously decided to put words to my feelings and emotions rather than cutting or taking too much medicine. The complusions and urges are still there, but I’m moment by moment choosing to let God take care of them. Now, I’m not saying I’ve been perfect or even close to perfect this week — oh… no, not even close – but I’ve made progress and met God in the middle rather than completely ignoring His suggestions.

I’m home on my lunch break from United. I’m not sure what time I’m getting off tonight because I might stay and help with price coordination so the rest of our team doesn’t have to stay all night (I would rather all three of us be tired for services in the morning than for me not to help and them have to stay late). I’m checking groceries today, but I really want to sack. I’m thinking aboud switching my last 3-4 hrs of my checking with another one of us “double dippers” (checker/ sacker) to give her a break and me some much needed stress relief. Work today isn’t any fun because all I hear people talking about are their plans with FAMILY for tomorrow…

Still don’t know if Jen will join me for church tomorrow. She has “step work” and a potential meeting with her sponsor tonight. I’ve been worried about her, so I call and text and we have caught random meals together this week. I’ve been so busy that many of our conversations have taken place when Stace wasn’t in the office (texting) and when I have gotten home at 11pm.

I’m on empty. I have NOTHING more to give right now. I’m physically and emotionally depleted. Spiritually, I feel parched. My newest song on repeat has been “From the Inside Out” (Hillsong). I hope I can find a smile somewhere to borrow that I can wear to church tomorrow. I have not a clue what I’m wearing, hopefully red or maybe the dress I wore to my college graduation almost 4 years ago (which I can’t remember wearing even once since then). If I have to work really late tonight, I’ll wear whatever is clean. My heart is new and I’ll wear my heart, even show my heart, and that will just have to be enough…

Working today is really really really hard. I’ve asked off for Mother’s Day because I don’t want to deal with myself in public. I’ll work the day before, I’ll just request a SACKING SHIFT 🙂

I’m feeling very sad today. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through tomorrow without breaking down. I’m crying again as I type… I’m just very sad today.

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Dear God, Where are my tears?

I can’t cry. My insides are aching and all I want to do is cry. I cannot rest or sleep or calm down because my body yearns to cry… to sob… to be held and for my tears to come out, but they won’t – they can’t – I’m still too afraid to let go.

God, where are you right now? How can you look down and see your children hurting and not come to their rescue? Why are you letting this happen, God, WHY?

I’m enraged over what happened to Heath. I don’t know why you, God, let this happen to him. I’m so angry and so upset and I just want to call the school as an alumna and tell them a thing or two in the morning because SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING! There is no excuse for this happening on my campus, God, there is no excuse for this!! We almost lost someone to an attack 8 years ago and now, why, why are you letting this happen again? What is the lesson we are supposed to be learning here? Please, please, please tell us NOW!!!

I can’t seem to cry and that is all that I want to do. My tear ducts must be clogged or something because the urge to cry, the need to cry, and the will to cry are there… absent of tears… afraid of tears… they, they, they just won’t come out and stay out – they keep on going back in my eyes and dry up. Lord, where are Your arms right now? Are they folded while You sit and look down upon me squirming and reaching out? Lord, I’m crying out and You aren’t hearing me!

I must quit my job this week and God, I don’t have the strength to do it. I keep on letting this monster hurt me, which is the only time I seem to be able to let my tears flow. This isn’t right, Lord, this isn’t right. I’m crying at work and I’m not able to concentrate and I mess up more and more, through my tears. I’m crying tears my boss doesn’t see, but my heart feels like it has holes blown through it.

I don’t know how to be there for Kristy right now. Her son was hurt. He was hurt at MY COLLEGE and I’m angry! I want to go and tear someone’s head off and feed it to the frickin’ squirrels!! I don’t know what to say or how to comfort her because I’m hurting too. Hearing that Heath got hurt, makes me feel helpless and reminds me of when my counselor was assaulted. I’m angry and I don’t know how to help my dear friend cope with this because I’m finding myself unable to cope either — I want to yell and scream and cry, but I have no tears… Lord, I need to be there for Kristy right now and I can’t – I don’t know how to be there for her because I’m hurting too. It makes me sick that something like this could happen where I lived and spent 4.5 years of my life, the place where I fought God, the place where I fought myself. Centenary brings back mixed feelings and emotions, but mostly pain… and I don’t know how to deal with my own crap and still be there to help Kristy right now.

God, where are these tears? Where are my tears?? I’m angry and hurting and I can’t sleep… I keep waking up to fight my tears. I can’t seem to let them come or maybe you just aren’t bringing them to me right now. I feel them come, then they go away. I’m tired of crying alone when the tears do come. I don’t want to cry alone. Lord, where are Your arms in human form right now? Lord if you won’t send me human arms to hold me while I cry, then who do You want me to hold while they cry?

There is so much on my mind and upon my heart. I’m struggling to accept how You want me to live, rather than die. I’m struggling with feeling so open and exposed after what all took place this weekend. I’m waiting for the judgement to come from others because of what took place… I’m scared. I feel like a huge open wound, but a wound that is afraid to weap and become clean. Lord, I need help!!

I don’t want to appear needy. I want to appear strong. Other people need me to be strong for them too… I need to give back, but I’m empty. I don’t have the strength to pretend I’m okay and I don’t have the strength to ask for help either. Lord find me where I’m at and take me home with You.

I don’t know how I can help others when I can’t even help myself. I feel beaten up everyday by my boss. I don’t how to calm myself down after work or even while I’m at work, I don’t know how to get into a safe place and stay there… because my boss finds me there and drags me out by my hair and steps all over my face. What he (my boss) does to me on the inside, I wish I could do to myself on the outside. Lord, will you cut me? Lord — make this pain physical! I know how to handle physical pain alone, without asking for help (unless I need stitches), so please… just make the pain physical. Make me vomit, make me bleed, do something… anything… just take away this pain that I cannot grasp with my hands.

Lord, take me home! Lord… just take me home!! Lord, just let me die. I don’t want to feel the pain I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do with this pain. I feel paralyzed by the pain and I want to go to bed tonight and never wake up. God, you wouldn’t let me take my own life — so Lord, I’m asking You to take it from me! Lord, just take my life away…

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Goals/ Priorities

school/ future education/ training/ graduate school
My current job is NOT in my career field. I like my job, but I don’t wake up thrilled for the adventure. I want a job where I’m not focused on clocking hours for a paycheck, rather I want a job where I’m focused on clocking experiences into my back of life.
finances… getting out of medical debt, student loan debt, and getting caught up on basic bills
I have medical bills and I’m behind on student loan payments, among other things. This isn’t Godly and I want to start tithing too. I’m going to start with the paycheck I received last Friday from United and I will continue from this point forward.
living situation… to move or to stay or where to go?
My current apartment is bigger than what I need. The location is wonderful, so I might need to look into getting a roommate. My dream would be to get a place where I could a cat, because I’m a cat person 🙂 I have not renewed the contract with my apartment complex just yet, so I’m going to start looking and see what is out there. I need to decide this rather quickly in order to avoid the additional cost of living “month by month”. Worst case scenario would be to sign an additional 6 month contract and move out in August.
work on my communication skills
This takes practice. One thing I can do is to edit less and think more before I write. I can also start by listening more and talking less in daily conversation.
learn better coping mechanisms
I just gave up my tools and my gun — and I’m feeling rather naked. This is where I’m going to need a little help… and I’m going to have to start practicing self-control too. Crochet DOES WORK, if I choose to let it work for me (not burning myself with the yarn or using the scissors for the wrong purpose).
find volunteer opportunites/ ways to give back
I know I’m busy with two jobs, but giving to others helps me a lot too. I spend too much time focusing on myself and I need to find ways to give back. This is something my life has been missing since I moved to Lubbock. Maybe I can find a crochet group or a reading club or start working with children somewhere on Saturdays (mornings when I work evenings and visa versa). Maybe I can find a way to get involved at the church? Patti Deaton had mentioned something about possibly starting a crochet blanket ministry.
*This list feels rather general, but I believe it is a good starting place for now.

I also have other things that taking dominance in my life:
– building a relationship with my Creator
– maintaining healthy boundaries with others and with myself
– setting and keeping my “quiet time” each day
– developing stronger relationships with believers
– learning how to trust God/ learning how to pray
– allowing people to love me and get close to me, rather than push everyone away
– not lying all the time and not being so afraid to tell the truth
– practicing gratitude!

The biggest thing I have to work on right now is how to start living, rather than focus on dying. Up until today, I had a way out. Now I have a sure fire way out (pun intended)!

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Thinking aloud on a Monday night…

I’m starting to wonder if all of my outward chaos was really just some coping mechanism I’ve used to hide what has been REALLY going on inside of me. The drama I have created on my outside was masking the pain I was feeling on the inside, yet could not deal with… so I ended up creating something on the outside I could handle “better”. The outward chaos has been a mere distraction all along – I think.

– – – – – – – – –

My mind still keeps wandering back to Sunday at church. I want to know whose hand was on my left shoulder when I was down at the altar. I think I know who it was, but I’m not sure, and I know down deep that is irrevelant for me to ever find out. What is most important is that someone loves me and that someone is praying for me and that “someone” is a person of God. I could recognize the hand, the weight of the hand, and it releases tears from my eyes to even imagine that it might be who my heart is telling me it is…

– – – – – – – – –

I’m worried about my arm. I’m trying to let the stitches dry out, but it won’t stop weeping. I didn’t bandage it this morning, thinking it was okay, and then found stains on my shirt (which had to be washed out TWICE before the lightbulb came on in my head just to use bandaids from the first-aid kit in the office). It doesn’t look very infected, it just won’t stop oozing yellow stuff 😦

– – – – – – – – –

I read the Book of Joel tonight. Found the reading to be profound. I like how the book is written from the prospective of telling future generations about the past. It is told from the viewpoint of a survivor, someone who has been there and has seen others fail. This survivor knows what works and is sharing their story… or their testimony…

– – – – – – – – –

Positive things about my day-job:
1. Allows me 2hrs each day to spend focusing on God and God alone. Most of my scheduled daily quiet time, I’ll admit, is spent on the bus… but I’m finding myself wanting more and more time with God. I don’t miss watching tv or crochetting all evening anymore – I love sitting and writing and talking about God and jamming to some God Tunes!
2. Somewhat pays the bills, at least when I combine it with my part-time job at United.
3. Has flexibility to go to the orthodontist, leave early if I have church or a support meeting, and is truly M-F.
4. It is making me practice my patience, especially with my boss! It reminds me how I cannot control others, only my reactions to others… so when he yells and screams, I respond to him as I want him to be initially be responding to me. I’m not great at this yet, but I’m sure given plenty of opportunities to practice!!

– – – – – – – – –

I’m laughing more and I’m crying more. I’m “feeling” more in general. My humor is back and it isn’t just sadistic humor anymore, which is a plus! A wall has come down and I’m able to joke around and be silly, genuinely silly, and enjoy other silly people too (like Kristy) 😉

– – – – – – – – –

On March 1st, I was ready to go home and put a gun to my head. Less than 10 days later, I’m sitting here looking forward to getting rid of that gun! I’ve gone from writing a suicide note to writing my testimony…

– – – – – – – – –

I feel hugable 🙂

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All or nothing – period

I have written three posts in the last few days, but deleted them earlier this afternoon. If erasing my memories were only so easy…

I need space right now because I cannot do “this”. I cannot commit myself to God. I cannot surrender myself, no matter how hard I try – I fail. I can’t do it because I’m not ready and until I am ready, I deserve to be left alone.

Kristy, I don’t want to feel. I hate feeling things. I don’t know how to process feelings.

I’m putting up my hand and I’m trying to say stop. I can’t process what I’m feeling right now and I can’t express the feelings in any acceptable manner either. I feel like my cutting is being taken away from me and nothing is being put in its place. I’m scared.

…I’m crying again and can’t see my computer screen enough to type…

I am so fragile and broken. I’m pissed off as hell for people telling me to “give it to God” because that isn’t possible. I don’t know Him yet and apparently my efforts to try and get to know Him aren’t enough. I can’t hold some of my stuff in any longer.

…the tears won’t stop…

I’m just not ready yet, but I’m trying. I’m really trying, but I can’t give me over to God. I can’t marry God if I’m just at the flirting stage in the relationship… but I’m really trying to do this.

I spoke with my friend Melinda late tonight. She is working Celebrate Recovery and we talked about what step I’m on and she agrees with me, I’m not at Step 3 — which is the step of surrender. I know I’m out of control, so Step 1 is solid to stand upon. I haven’t gotten to the point where I believe that God’s blood is greater than my own… therefore, I haven’t completely worked Step 2, which is also about believing a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I don’t believe yet that God can save me from myself. I know I’m out of control and I believe in God, but I haven’t made the connection just yet. I’m just not there yet, but I’m working at it. I cry over this, I lose sleep over this, I yell and scream and throw my temper tantrums over this!

Kristy, I HAVE to say things aloud to someone else and believe in my heart God is listening in on the conversation. I have spent 26yrs of my life NOT TALKING about stuff. I have spent the last 10yrs of my life cutting and hurting my body, rather than talking. I have to talk and explain, often over and over and over again, and this is part of how I heal. Don’t cut me off when I’m trying to say something, please do not cut me off (at least not right now). It is one thing to help me redirect my thoughts, but please allow me to get some of the negative stuff out before the thoughts are nudged a bit. When I can’t talk, I want to hurt myself.

I’ve been upset since I left church this afternoon. I was trying to explain something to you. I wanted to give you my tools today but I felt like I was being cut off when I was trying to say something to you about them: Kristy, I don’t want you to get rid of my tools. I want you to hold onto them for me, so I can get rid of them later on (with some extra accountablity on the side). I had also written a prayer this morning and I wanted to share it with you and God aloud. This is a huge step for me, the physical surrendering of my tools to someone, and I can’t do this without talking some. I’m not giving my tools to YOU, Kristy — I’m giving them to God and God is allowing you to be the physical vessel I need to help make this possible. I’m not to the point where I can give my tools to God myself, all alone, because I don’t trust myself. I have feelings and I have emotions attached to these tools. I’m not ready to show you what I use or explain what I use, for that may occur during the inventory process later on… but absolutely not right now! Maybe this morning wasn’t the moment in time in which I was supposed to surrender them to God and that will have to be okay. My new prayer everyday is for Him to give me yet ANOTHER chance to give these tools up before I use them again.

I’ve been upset all afternoon and evening, but I haven’t cut yet. I haven’t opened the bag since I put the last tool I could find in it… which was sometime about a week ago. I’m convinced someone is praying hard for my soul tonight because I got back up out of bed and came to add on to this entry. I had no idea I would type to you what I wanted to say earlier. When the tears struggled to come at church, they are now free flowing.

Kristy, I do need space. I need the space to feel and I need the space to cry and I need the space to say whatever is there to come out. I’m straddling recovery and I don’t deserve love or support or prayers. It isn’t fair for you to commit to me, when I can’t commit to the process completely just yet.

I don’t know what you are going to do and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want to give up, cut myself, and just run and run and run away as far away from myself as possible (unrealistic fantasy). I’m sorry, Kristy, that I’m not where you seem to expect me to be just yet — but I’m trying.

Arms in hug position,
Cassandra

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